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| 'Go on, tighter, TIGHTER woman! I want to feel PEEEACE!' |
Stick with me, kids, because I've discovered another anxiety cure. It may not yet be approved for use on homo sapiens, but our time will surely come.
Behold, the mighty THUNDERSHIRT! A tight, restrictive, natty little vest for your firework-frazzled Fido, that soothes his separation anxiety, thunderstorm wobbles, and all manner of canine worries. Apparently it also allays 'crating and travel anxiety' which would be perfect for my plane journeys. As soon as I saw it I was jealous.
Apparently autistic children chill out when you give them special high-pressure hugs, heavy blankets and weighted clothing, so there's obviously something in this pressure/tightness lark.
Do you think it will work if I just put on a four year-old child's wetsuit? Or a vintage girdle? Or a full-body bandage?
And I've just stumbled upon an inconvenient truth that rounds off my anxiety/tightness thesis. It's not global warming (sorry Al), but just as catastrophic. Kind of. My mother has just confessed to the fact that she *gasp* DIDN'T SWADDLE me as child. Being a patchouli-wafting weaver of soy-yoghurt, she thought it was terribly restrictive for child me, and that I should have been able to move my chubby arms freely.
BUT NOW I HAVE AN ANXIETY CONDITION! It all makes sense - the pieces of the jigsaw are falling into place! Child + no swaddling = late-twenties onset panic disorder . I'm obviously going to have to make up for lost time, starting from now. And I know which beautiful, Australia-based hippy is going to be footing the bill for my jumbo pack of size zero unitards...
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| My boyfriend is going to be SO pleased when I happily wave goodbye to him in my shrunken toddler's wetsuit... |
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