 |
| 'No, I can't come out from behind the couch. No, I can't tell you why, because nice girls don't tell tales about their hypothetical boils that aren't covered by their hypothetical stockings on their hypothetical legs' |
Things I gleaned from the universe this week:
- I should stick to my day job. I get BBC job alerts (I love my job, but just in case), and one of them was 'Researcher on Silent Witness'. This actually made me laugh out loud. Can you think of a job that comes less recommended for an anxious person? 'Hmmm, let me just see how I can make this grisly murder look more convincing and true to life - *Googles real life murder details. Faints and never leaves the house again*.
- I should never again swallow peppermint oil capsules that are not covered in enteric coating. Basically they just explode halfway down your unsuspecting oesophagus, and create a burning lining of peppermint everywhere in your digestive system. Painful peppermint burps and blistering heartburn ensue - I feel like I've rinsed my intestines with industrial-strength mouthwash. And apparently now (I Googled my symptoms even though my family has tried to ban me from consulting Dr Google) I get to look forward to 'anal itching and burning' when said peppermint finally vacates my system. Fabulous.
- It's hard to feel glamorous when you have managed to harbour a BOIL on your leg (in the middle ages I believe they were referred to as carbuncles, arg) - in all likelihood exacerbated by a shamefully lax shaving regime. As I applied my Chanel lipstick and pouted in the mirror, I realised I was painting a very thin and insufficient veneer of artificial glamour over an angry body full of weird, stifled gallstone sludge and carbuncle pus (sorry chaps). Sexy!
- Having a doctor as your upstairs neighbour is a mixed blessing. On the plus-side, I find it ridiculously comforting hearing him padding around upstairs - essentially I know I can bang on his door and get an emergency tracheostomy STAT should I ever need one. On the downside, his ghoulish medical mailings are in the communal post area. 'Nasal-gastric tube errors: avoiding the risks' screams out from the latest issue's cover, with grainy black and white pictures of perforated lungs underneath. Shudder.
- Tomorrow is another day. The hardest thing to cope with at the moment (ironically) is my endless fretting about how I will cope with this for a possible five months until the operation (worst-case scenario of course - this is me we're talking about). But the fact is, I AM coping. I AM getting to the end of each wretched, crappy day, so all I need to do is carry on with what I'm doing, and inevitably the days will snowball and roll into weeks, which will turn into months, and I'll arrive at my promised surgical land of manna and scalpels in the end. *
* Check me out, being all Buddhist and accepting. This is a blatant lie, of course - I hope you spotted it. Inside (and outside, to be honest) I am screaming 'HOW THE BLOODY BEJESUS AM I GOING TO COPE WITH THIS FOR MONTHS ON END???!!!!' but I'm trying on my beatific monk's robe for size. Fake it 'til you make it, kids!!!
 |
| I tell you what, they'll keep you 'aglow' all right... |
Posts
9 comments:
I would LOVE to be a real pathologist, whenever I meet anyone who deals with death I get a bit over excited and start harrassing them for more info. I am terribly gothic.
Also I love boils, this is horrid and don't hate me but my boyfriend had to ban me from watching people squeeze spots and boils on YouTube.
If someone has a spot near me I am there like a shot begging to be allowed to squeeze.
Infact if you need some help with yours....... *hem hem*
Rosie xxxx
(if you ask nicely they might let you keep your gallbladder, i know a dodgy goth that might buy it off you ;) ) xxx
Good on you for faking it til you make it.. Enjoyed reading your blog as usual.. I started orientating for my new job and was sooo anxious that after the third day I quit.. Anxiety instantly went but after a few days I felt like I had let myself down and fear and anxiety returned..Thats when I googled and found your blog..I felt less alone and not such a f*#k up..Thanks sista..xx
Rosie - you disgusting beast!! Is selling off organs to goths a profitable racket then?! Maybe I should go private and sell the diseased bastard off to cover the costs...:) x
Sheryn - you are absolutely NOT a f&^ck up, and you are most definitely not alone! Maybe it was the wrong job for you, and at the wrong time. You'll get there in the end, and there will be something you'll feel is worth pushing through the first bit of anxiety for. Maybe selling off surgical waste a la Rosie's friend? :) x
PS. Sheryn - next try around, you could always take valium/benzos very short term to get you over that first extreme anxiety hump. That's exactly the kind of use docs advise if it ends up getting you further in the long run (i.e. a stable job which should hopefully keep anxiety down eventually) so you don't have to rely on it... Vx
PPS. Hang on a second Rosie - how can you have an obsession with forensic pathology AND an anxiety condition?! I'm pretty sure it was my unhealthy obsession with Six Feet Under that GAVE me my morbid fear that death was waiting to meet me around every corner..
Hi! I love this blog. I too suffer with crippling anxiety and panic attacks which has now turned into agoraphobia and huge health anxiety. Grrrreat! I just wanted to ask, how do you still keep on at your cool job? I lost my job this year (I was working for the NHS, you'd think they'd understand!) because of it and don't feel ready to work yet, going out of the house to buy milk is bad enough :( just wondered how you cope with stress and being in a working environment? Nice to meet you x
Hi! I love this blog. I too suffer with crippling anxiety and panic attacks which has now turned into agoraphobia and huge health anxiety. Grrrreat! I just wanted to ask, how do you still keep on at your cool job? I lost my job this year (I was working for the NHS, you'd think they'd understand!) because of it and don't feel ready to work yet, going out of the house to buy milk is bad enough :( just wondered how you cope with stress and being in a working environment? Nice to meet you x
Hi Chintz - welcome, and thanks so much! So sorry to hear you lost your job - was it definitely a fair dismissal? If it was just because you're experiencing anxiety, then you might have a case for unfair dismissal (check out Mind or something for more info).
Anyhoo. The job thing is a tricky one. Everyone experiences anxiety differently, but personally I find that mine tends to dissipate at work, so when I have bad anxiety periods I sort of lead two lives - my Superman one at work, and then my Clark Kent one when I get home and sob and panic and freak out. Work anxiety to me makes sense, and it just doesn't upset me at all. It's the anxiety about EVERYTHING else (mine's quite health related too) that gets me wound up.
I commute to my work as well, and there was a period where I got panicked being on trains and tubes, so that was tough, but because I just HAD to get to work, I did it - either by getting off every stop, or having a panic attack and then getting the next train, or by drugging myself up (worst-case scenario).
So essentially, I guess the answer is that I just kind of forced myself! I didn't want anyone at work to think of me as anything other than incredible, so if I had a bad period, I just decided to fake it until I made it.
But this may not be the way for everyone! For me, work helps - for you, it may make things worse.
What I DO know is that exposure is the only way to get over all of this crap. So if you're scared of trains - get on them. If you're worried about going out to get some milk - go out. Go slowly, and recite mantras, or take a pill, or take a friend, or whatever - just go. Don't think 'how stupid, how could I be afraid of getting the milk?!' just accept that you are, temporarily, and that you may need a friend/drugs/lavender/whatever to help you.
I hope you find a job soon, because I think it can really help to distract yourself with other things, and to feel masterful, but try not to worry if you're not ready. Just take this time to do therapy, read some books, and work things out a bit.
It will get better - I promise!
x
Post a Comment