It's all me, me, me...

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Vivre Sa Vie
London, United Kingdom
Well hello there. My name is Viv (well, it's not really), and, like a lot of people, I'm ever so slightly neurotic... I have panic attacks and anxiety (ranging from mild to pretty intense), on and off. I also have an amazing and quite high-profile job, so I'm choosing to remain anonymous on here. Not because I'm ashamed of the aforementioned neuroses, but because I don't want to be googled and for my colleagues to read bizarre posts about me breathing into a paper bag and popping lorazepam. I've worked for bookshops, mixed arts festivals and charities, and have met (and still meet!) a lot of famous, fetching and fantabulous people for my job. (See, anxiety doesn't need to stop you being AWESOME and doing what you want to do) Here's hoping you'll find some helpful hints and tips on here which will help you tackle the evil panic heebiejeebs... PS. I'm an Australian, but I live in the UK, and have adopted tea-drinking, pubs, Wodehouse, and a Welsh man.
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Thursday, 18 October 2012

Operation Fawkes (aka Operation Operation)

''Ooooo-eee! Honey, you've got yourself a bad case of the SURGEON-GONNA-CUT-ME-UP-WILLIES - your anxiety temperature is th-rough the roof!'

Okay, I know my gallbladder has completely hijacked this blog, and I promise I will only write around two more organ-related posts. I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing about the bastard thing - so you guys must be begging for the scalpels too.

Long story short: I'm going nuclear - going private, because I can't live like this any more, and all my relatives are going to all pitch in with a bit of cash to make this happen. Should I put up a JustGiving page at work? I get them ALL the time (lots of athletic, overachieving, worthy colleagues, puke) so why not put together my own...? 'Hi All. Yep, you got it, it's another request for a needy cause, sort of. Just give me your card details and I'll post pics of my 'marathon' later...'

So will be having operation on the 5th of November. I am now, predictably, terrified, and my anxiety bugaboos (isn't that a type of pram? I've definitely got the wrong word there) have flown in to roost beside me.

'Remember, remember, the 5th of November' just sounds bloody terrifying now - is it an omen?! Am going to go the way of  Mr Fawkes, but minus the plucky heroism and fireworks? Am I going to wake up from the operation and not know where I am and have the worst panic attack ever and vomit into my hospital gowned lap? 

But it can't come soon enough really. Today I had an attack in the middle of preparing a VIP for an event - I went all 'show must go on' and gritted my teeth, smiled, chatted and managed to get them out on the stage before hobbling upstairs and collapsing underneath my desk. I stripped down to my singlet, popped some codeine, writhed there with my headphones on for a while (had to keep tabs on the event, what a control freak), covered in sweat from head to toe, and after 3/4 of an hour it completely passed and I went back down, said I'd been watching from the booth and no-one was the wiser.  But enough! Lady Macbeth of the Gallbladder says 'out, damn sac'!!

On the anxiety front, I've been finding it difficult to breathe, randomly, here and there. I REALLY hate that one. Just sitting there quietly and then suddenly, wheeze, wheeze, 'is my chest tight? Why can't I breathe? Shit'. I know it's just anxiety, and if I ignore it, it goes, but it's so bloody unsettling.

Onwards and upwards, though, hey?! No more gallbladder talk soon - promise! Only one more update about the operation (and maybe one afterwards, what the hell) and then back on track!

Hope all of you guys are fit and well and anxiety-free (ha - are we ever?!). And if you're not - screw it - grit your teeth, get through it, wait for time to pass, and better things will transpire for all of us soon. I'm a faithless, hippie-raised heathen but I'm trying on a bit of hope and faith for size! And weirdly, it kind of works! 

V x 

Don't pretend to be cute. You're going down, bitch.


Scarlett said...

Only you could post such a fantastically comic picture of a green thingummy in the midst of such stress! I think you're doing the right thing and probably a private hospital will be a better environment than an NHS one. Better days coming, as the song says! Btw "bugaboo" is what Mammy in Gone with the Wind called ghosts!

And a reminder that my friend's mum, in her 70s, had this op, was home in no time, got bored and demanded a visit from her hyperactive infant grandchildren. See? That's how well it can go!

big hugs xxxx

rosie said...

When you wake up you will be off your head on morphene so will feel absolutely fabulous!!! I promise. xxx

Vivre Sa Vie said...

Scarlett - so interesting about the bugaboo thing - I've actually never seen or read GwtW - perhaps something to do when I'm convalescing dahling! And thanks for the reminder, that's actually very reassuring. You're a peach, as always V xx

Rosie - thanks lovely - I was just worried the off my head bit might make me panic, but sounds like you had a marvellous time, so will hope for that! V xx

rosie said...

You can't panic on morphene and as i said, if you are going to panic the best place to do so is where people have every medicine on hand.
I told them I might need Diazapam and when they did the medicine rounds they would ask if I wanted another one.
Try and do some productive stuff now, sort out some books you want to read, fill your ipod and lap top full of stuff you want to watch (hospital TV is rubbish and REALLY expensive).
Make some nice plans for convalensance like magazine days in your bed with a friend.
Scarlett is right though actually, you are going private, it is going to be like a spa break minus a gall bladder. I am feeling a bit less sorry for you! xxxx

Sandra Nimako - Boatey said...

I'm so glad you're going private and that everyone is helping! Hahah I think it deffo calls for a justgiving page! :P

Vivre Sa Vie said...

Thanks Rosie - great advice that I will *definitely* be following. Private or non-private my anxieties about the op are here to stay, but they're definitely going to be helped by not having to wait in agony for four months - that's worth any amount of money in the world (even if I, uh, don't quite actually have it...) x

And thanks so much Sandra - maybe I'll set one up after the event and raffle off the gallbladder! x

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