Blind panic on the subway? Pop a podcast...

From this...

So. You're on the tube/subway, and have successfully managed to forget you're effectively buried hundreds of metres down into the bowels of the earth. You've put all thoughts of terrorism firmly out of your mind, and you're feeling pretty calm about the swarthy guy with the massive backpack - because hey, you're not racist - it's probably just a lovely guy carrying loads of his blind granny's clothes to the laundromat before his shift volunteering at a soup kitchen.

And then the guy comes over the tannoy and says there's been some kind of 'incident' up ahead, and you're going to be stuck for an unspecified amount of time. And suddenly, you realise you're throat's a bit dry, and you haven't got any water, and you're not quite sure, but you think perhaps the air's feeling a little thin, and actually, now you think of it, you might really need to empty your bowels pretty soon, and actually you'd really like to get out now, please - like NOW, goddamnit, before you choke on your swollen tongue and expire underground like a thirsty, diseased troll.

You need PODCASTS, STAT*. 

Here are some good ones.

Desert Island Discs

 Kirsty Young's soothing, dulcet Scottish tones will calm your nasty gremlins. Has got me through many a train journey, and I've even managed to forget that I'm trapped in an airless tin can surrounded by sweaty, aggressive commuters.

Sex and Other Human Activities

Again, I must doff my cap to the awesome Sara Benincasa and her pal Marcus. They talk about sex (quite graphically, so if you're not into dildo chat, I would steer clear), Doctor Who (oh, yes) and a bit about craziness too. It's like having your (inexplicably hilarious) mates chatting in the background. Another train gem.

David Mitchell's Soapbox

Short, sweet, and sarcastic mini-bites about all the grating, irritating, infuriating things in the world. You have to be in a certain kind of mood for this one, but is very funny if so.

New Yorker Fiction Podcast

Literary giants reading the works of other literary giants for your audio pleasure. Like a nice, long bedtime story for grown-ups.

To this...

* Warning. A note about relaxation music podcasts.'These are truly terrifying. I put one on whilst panicking on a train, and I felt I had a soundtrack of doom to accompany my slow death. Lots of ominous long synthesizer sounds and ethereal voices = magnifying of terror.