It's getting hot in here...(don't take off all your clothes)

'Haunting terror' in a heatwave. Is this film about my life?

Some interesting things I learned today:

1. Apparently if you press your nose and say 'beep' when you're panicking that can interrupt the panic cycle and stop it in its tracks. Not sure if this just makes you feel so ridiculous that you can't take your panic seriously, or if it has some more thorough psychological evidence-base, but can't harm, can it?

2. I learned yet AGAIN why I should never read free papers that come on London trains. The headline story was about a tube carriage that got stuck underground last night in the most horrendous heat for THREE HOURS (yes, London is hardly hot above ground ever, but underneath it, where you don't want it to be, it's like the fiery furnace of hell). This is why I must carry more Lorazepam in my purse so that if that does happen to me, I can take a big handful and just curl up on the floor in the foetal position and rock back and forth in the grime and sweat and commuter tears.

3. In the same paper there was a story about how all these children had been maimed and injured falling out of windows in the last few days... because they'd been open due to the 'heatwave'  we've been having.

 People - this isn't news!! This is an absurd, insane scare-fest! No wonder anxiety is on the bloody rise - we're being scared out of our bloody wits by the idea that OPENING THE WINDOWS IN THE HEAT WILL KILL OUR INNOCENT CHILDREN! If you care about your offspring at all, clamp those windows down against the breeze, and usher the little critters back in the centre of the room where it's safe.

4. Apparently pulling faces at yourself in the mirror during panic can help too. For much the same reason as number one, I guess.

So if you happen to be on the London underground in the next few weeks, and you see a slightly red-faced, sweaty woman punching her nose, beeping, closing the miserable excuses for windows, and furiously pulling faces at herself in a mirror, you'll know who it is.

Yours, fretful and hot as always (but more so)


Viv x 

Are you CRAZY?! GET AWAY FROM THAT GODDAMN WINDOW!

Blind panic on the subway? Pop a podcast...

From this...

So. You're on the tube/subway, and have successfully managed to forget you're effectively buried hundreds of metres down into the bowels of the earth. You've put all thoughts of terrorism firmly out of your mind, and you're feeling pretty calm about the swarthy guy with the massive backpack - because hey, you're not racist - it's probably just a lovely guy carrying loads of his blind granny's clothes to the laundromat before his shift volunteering at a soup kitchen.

And then the guy comes over the tannoy and says there's been some kind of 'incident' up ahead, and you're going to be stuck for an unspecified amount of time. And suddenly, you realise you're throat's a bit dry, and you haven't got any water, and you're not quite sure, but you think perhaps the air's feeling a little thin, and actually, now you think of it, you might really need to empty your bowels pretty soon, and actually you'd really like to get out now, please - like NOW, goddamnit, before you choke on your swollen tongue and expire underground like a thirsty, diseased troll.

You need PODCASTS, STAT*. 

Here are some good ones.

Desert Island Discs

 Kirsty Young's soothing, dulcet Scottish tones will calm your nasty gremlins. Has got me through many a train journey, and I've even managed to forget that I'm trapped in an airless tin can surrounded by sweaty, aggressive commuters.

Sex and Other Human Activities

Again, I must doff my cap to the awesome Sara Benincasa and her pal Marcus. They talk about sex (quite graphically, so if you're not into dildo chat, I would steer clear), Doctor Who (oh, yes) and a bit about craziness too. It's like having your (inexplicably hilarious) mates chatting in the background. Another train gem.

David Mitchell's Soapbox

Short, sweet, and sarcastic mini-bites about all the grating, irritating, infuriating things in the world. You have to be in a certain kind of mood for this one, but is very funny if so.

New Yorker Fiction Podcast

Literary giants reading the works of other literary giants for your audio pleasure. Like a nice, long bedtime story for grown-ups.

To this...

* Warning. A note about relaxation music podcasts.'These are truly terrifying. I put one on whilst panicking on a train, and I felt I had a soundtrack of doom to accompany my slow death. Lots of ominous long synthesizer sounds and ethereal voices = magnifying of terror.