Anxiety hero trading card #7...

#7 Sara Benincasa

And you thought Bruce Springsteen was the only ridiculously hot genius to come out of New Jersey...

Vital anxiety statistics: Trust me - Sara Benincasa is anxious. Her panic attack catalysts include (but are not limited to) trains, planes and automobiles, tunnels, tubes, food, sex, having a wet head, being pregnant, and just generally leaving the house. She once peed in cereal bowls because she was too afraid to leave her bedroom.

Career highlights: Her exceptional funny, brave, and inspiring stand-up show Agorafabulous. Her exceptionally funny, brave and inspiring book Agorafabulous. Her ridiculously hilarious, wonderful and candid podcast Sex and Other Human Activities. 

Why she's an AWESOME anxiety hero: She's beautiful, she's frank, she's filthy, she's funny, and she's single-handedly breaking down the stigma and embarrassment surrounding panic attacks, agoraphobia and anxiety. She is the Rita Hayworth of ritualistic hyperventilation. 

What you can learn from her: How to be open and honest and shout about your panic from the rooftops. How to live a fulfilling and full life with a gremlin sitting on your shoulder. How to make nutritious, grown-up-baby smoothies when you can't eat. Also, how to perform 'hairapy' on yourself, and amazing sex acts on other people.

Best anxiety quote: 'There are few things less pleasant than sobbing on the toilet, naked and shivering, as your heart pounds out of your chest and you piss out of your asshole'

Further reading: Get thee to a bookery and buy Agorafabulous NOW. And watch this.

'Goddamnit, I'm so panictastic I could puke'

Anxiety hero trading card #6

#6 Samuel Beckett

'You're on earth. There's no cure for that.'

Vital anxiety statistics: Monsieur Beckett regularly suffered from palipations and strange feelings of suffocation, and had nocturnal panic attacks so severe that his elder brother had to sleep in the same bed to calm him.

Career highlights: I can't choose! Molloy perhaps. Watt. Murphy. Goddamn it, just read them all!

Why he's an AWESOME anxiety hero: I cannot uberemphasise this enough. Samuel Beckett is a genius and a maverick and a hero in all senses of the word. He hung out with Joyce. He wrote some of the best literature of the 20th century. He slept with Peggy Guggenheim. He was a courier with the French Resistance and was awarded the Croix de Guerre. He risked his life for his Jewish friends, and smuggled his rations in to them when they were interred. He won the Nobel Prize for Literature and gave all the prize money away.

What you can learn from him: Fear, terror and existential anxiety can give rise to exceptional intelligence, humour and creativity. Panic attacks don't stop people from doing truly terrifying, brave, selfless things. Panic attacks don't make people gurning, pissy-panted scaredy-cats. Courage and fear can co-exist (I know I've said this before, but it bears repeating).

Best anxiety quote: Beckett described his attacks as 'sweats & shudders & panics & rages & rigors & heart burstings'. He also said... 'nothing is funnier than unhappiness...it is the most comical thing in the world'. 

Further reading: Everything he wrote. And you can read my final year dissertation too, if you'd like. It's truly FASCINATING and insightful and enthralling and will help you with your anxiety-related insomnia.

I own this poster. Beckett + letterpress = literary nerdgasm.

Anxiety hero trading cards #5...

#5 The Cowardly Lion

Ruuuuuuraaaaaaggh!

Vital anxiety statistics: 'Is my nose bleedin'?'. Poor Cowardly Lion can't sleep, is terrified of a terrier, can't count sheep because he's afraid of them, and has a panic attack in the Emerald City. BUT, in a surprising and morally-informative (!) twist, he reveals himself to be the real hero of the piece.

Career highlights: When he gets the bow in his hair in the Emerald City salon thing, puts the marathon runners foil recovery towel over him and sings about being the king of the forest ('the chipmunks genuflect to me' etc)

Why he's an AWESOME anxiety hero: Well, he's one of the most AWESOMEly brave (oh yes, his name is ironic for ye shall see that he is not a coward at all) characters in one of the most AWESOMELY AWESOME FILMS OF ALL TIME

What you can learn from him: Bravery would mean nothing without fear. True courage is about acting in spite of fear, not about having no fear at all. What poor 'cowardly' doesn't realise is that he is actually brave and courageous, but he thinks he's not, because he mistakenly believes that to be fearful is to be a coward.  He still goes and rescues Dorothy from the evil monkeys and does loads of brave and awesome things (especially in the book), despite his terror, and never really needed the medal from the wizard because the COURAGE WAS IN HIM ALL ALONG!

Best anxiety quote: 'I haven't any courage at all! I even scare myself. Look at the circles under my eyes, I haven't slept for weeks!'

Further reading: Read the book. Watch the film. And then maybe make me a Wizard of Oz quilt because I really, really, really want one.

This is you, dear reader, receiving your special fake wizard courage medal even though you had it in you ALL ALONG and didn't know it. How cool is that?!

Anxiety hero trading cards #4

#4 Kim Basinger

'I'll be safe here inside this hood...'

Vital anxiety statistics: My God she's gorgeous. And she's so southern and husky and pouty and b-yooti-ful. But she is also very ANXIOUS, poor lamb. She has twice been housebound for six month stretches with severe panic attacks and agoraphobia. (And that bastard Alec didn't really understand, pffft. You know you can't trust the Baldwins.)

Career highlights: LA Confidential. Hands down.

Why she's an AWESOME anxiety hero: She won an Oscar. She won the beauty and charm lottery.  She dated Prince. She wore a tux to some Parisian awards ceremony. She's poised and talented and confident. She campaigned for PETA. She tried to buy a whole town. Is there anything she can't do?!

What you can learn from her: DON'T BE ASHAMED. Kim is not crazy. Kim is not drooling into her porridge and sloping around the house in slippers. Kim does not have straggly, greasy hair and a lack of gentleman callers. She just has panic attacks. (And she's not afraid to talk about them).

Best anxiety quote: 'I was in a healthfood store...I was sweating so profusely and I just could not move...I stumbled into the parking lot, got in my car, drove home, and did not leave again for six months'

Further reading: She made a documentary called America Uncovered: Panic about her agoraphobia, and I think there's a clip on YouTube somewhere. You could also just watch LA Confidential and swoon. And maybe even try Never Say Never Again for some classic 80's Basinger/Connery magic.

'You're jusht sho gorgeoush and sh-weaty Kim...'

Anxiety hero trading cards #3

#3 Charles M. Schulz

I *heart* widow's peaks

Vital anxiety statistics: Snoopy's doting Dad hated to travel, loathed hotels and was plagued by anxiety, panic attacks, loneliness and depression. According to his wife, he 'worried constantly'. Sound familiar?

Career highlights: 

Why he's an AWESOME anxiety hero: Five reasons. Snoopy, Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy, and Woodstock. 

Oh, and he fought in WWII and beat those nasty Nazis (not single-handedly, admittedly). And one of the Apollo 10 command modules was named Charlie Brown after his amazingly depressed and neurotic self-portrait.

What you can learn from him: You too could create some of the best-loved cartoon characters ever, win the Congressional Medal of Honour, kick some Nazi bum, and earn a cool $1.1 billion in the process (if you so choose).

Best anxiety quote: 'The most terrifying loneliness is not experienced by everyone and can be understood by only a few.  I compare the panic in this kind of loneliness to the dog we see running down the road frantically pursuing the family car. He is not really being left behind, but for that moment, in his limited understanding, he is being left alone forever, and he has to run and run to survive.'

Further reading: Just have a look-see at these. He may have been sad, but he was also pretty, pretty funny...(and you know how much I love that in a worrier).

...I got carried away. They're all just so goddamn good. The one above is definitely a panic attack, no?

 

Anxiety hero trading cards #2

#2 Charles Darwin

Yes, that's right - I said monkeys

Vital anxiety statistics: Apparently poor old Charlie was crippled by panic disorder and agoraphobia - who knew?! He wouldn't leave home without his wife, had a phobia of both crowds and being alone, and used to vomit for 24 hours continuously before he had any sort of speaking engagement (not great news for a world-famous academic and explorer with a pretty big theory to spread).

Career highlights: A little thing called 'evolution'. 'Nuff said.

Why he's an AWESOME anxiety hero: Ummm, evolution? Changing the entire face of human understanding, knowledge, science etc etc. That enough for you?

What you can learn from him: Having pretty powerful panic disorder does not need to stop you from penning one of the most important books ever written, voyaging round the world in a rickety ship, or going down in history as one of the greatest and revolutionary minds to ever have lived. And just think - they didn't even have Xanax then - shudder.

Best anxiety quote: 'Fear is often preceded by astonishment, and is so far akin to it, that both lead to the senses of sight and hearing being instantly aroused. In both cases the eyes and mouth are widely opened, and the eyebrows raised. The frightened man at first stands like a statue motionless and breathless, or crouches down as if instinctively to escape observation. The heart beats quickly and violently, so that it palpitates or knocks against the ribs... That the skin is much affected under the sense of great fear, we see in the marvellous manner in which perspiration immediately exudes from it... The hairs also on the skin stand erect; and the superficial muscles shiver. In connection witih the disturbed action of the heart, the breathing is hurried. The salivary glands act imperfectly; the mouth becomes dry, and is often opened and shut...'

Further reading: 'On the Origin of Species'. Or just look at some monkeys.

Anxiety hero trading cards #1

You are a lucky, lucky anxious person, because from now on, every week I will bring you some highly collectable anxiety hero trading cards. Here you will find some of the world's most brilliant and amazing neurotics and nail-biters, and you will begin to see (yes you will) what a wonderful bunch of creative, incredible and fan-freaking-tastic people we worriers are. 

                   
                                     # 1 Woody Allen

'Early in life I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety...'

Vital anxiety statistics: What isn't Woody anxious about? The godfather of neurotics, Woody's phobias reportedly include (but are not limited to) insects, sunshine, dogs, deer, bright colours, children (hmm, I know what you're thinking, but don't go there), heights, small rooms, crowds, cancer, and every place except Manhattan.

Career highlights: Manhattan, Annie Hall

Why he's an AWESOME anxiety hero: I hope I don't have to explain this to you.

What you can learn from him: Anxiety is FUNNY. Yes, panic attacks are one of the most horrendous experiences anyone can go through, but they are also pretty hilarious if you look at them properly. It is so easy to take yourself too seriously in this game, but finding all this stuff funny is one of the best things you can do for anxiety. Promise.

Best anxiety quote: 'I don't like to go into elevators. I don't go through tunnels. I like the drain in the shower to be in the corner and not in the middle.'

Further reading/viewing: Get stuck in with the films, and let yourself fall down the Woody-worry-wormhole. Perhaps also have a copy of his 'Essential Prose' on your bedside table too.