Brain - serotonin = WET CHAOS...

Just like this poor woman, my brain has fallen victim to moving and sentimental images, like fully-clothed sunbathing on LiLos, and Italian wedding dresses. 

My brain and I have had a falling out. There's been a slapped wrist (brains have wrists) and an official warning over negligence of basic duties. It's not being fed serotonin every morning with its cornflakes and has gone all mushy and sentimental and weird.

In the last two days I have cried in the following ways:

• When I flicked over to the X-Factor (eating dinner, urgently needed moving images) and listened to a mildly talented boy whose parents had split up (they couldn't even scrape together any real tragedy for the pre-singing story) sing a probably mediocre song, but in my addled state I just heard music, so was moved. I mean, multiple tears, not just A single, individual tear.

• Watching some terrible documentary about athletes and how-hard-they-trained-for-the-Olympics-and-how-happy-they-were-that-all-their-hard-work-had-paid-off-and-how-it-was-all-worth-it-and-how-they-were-really-pleased-to-represent-the-country-and-how-grateful-they-were-to-their-coaches-who-had-been-through-it-with-them-from-the-very-beginning-and-most-of-all-to-their-families-who-always-believed-in-them cue Coldplay.

• Watching the last 3 minutes (literally) of Masterchef Australia where the winner was crowned. I want to clarify that I had not watched ANY of the series, so this was a record tear release from a standing start.

• When someone's pastry tore on the Great British Bake-off.

• At several slow-motion sporting montages calculatedly created to cause maximum heartstring damage by the BBC

But here's the clincher:

• I CRIED WATCHING AN 80s RE-RUN OF THE CRYSTAL MAZE. When a girl managed to get a crystal. That's all. When she took it back to the team they all cheered and I felt my eyes moisten.

And I said -  'ENOUGH!!!! The Crystal Maze??? Really, has it come to this? You are genuinely moved by a 20 year old re-run on Challenger? What is happening up there in the control room Mr Brain? Are you pulling the wrong levers or something? Are you drunk? Are you asleep at the wheel? Do you need a defibrillator? What do you want from me?!'

How long does it take brains to get back to normal after a number of years being chemically enhanced, I wonder...

Oh no, don't, I can feel them forming. Look at her eager face. Oh God, it's too late. What a moving display of ingenuity and problem-solving. Pass the tissues please.

It's my self-pity party and I'll cry if I want to...

This is actually a photograph of me, taken only yesterday

Hi guys. I'm throwing a self-pity party today and you're all invited (apart from my boyfriend, who has been attending the pre-party for the last few weeks and needs to go have his own one now)

Here are the facts:

1. My vertigo/labyrinthitis symptoms have come back. Having labyrinthitis was the thing that triggered all my panics in the first place, so I'm really freaking out. It's been three weeks now, and it's not going away.

2. I've now completely tapered down off all my anti-depressant (still on Lyrica, but needed to rekindle my libido which was brutally exterminated by the Citalopram soldiers). Forum on the web suggests the vertigo is a symptom of coming off the SSRIs, so maybe it's that. Lots of frantic Googling later, and I still have no idea if it is or not.

3. I'm meant to be going on holiday with my boyfriend to NY, LA then Mexico in two days time (the wedding of one of my best friends in the world), and it looks like I'm too dizzy and sick to go. It took 6 months of 'will I, won't I' , some weird hypnosis, and a handbag full of benzodiazepines to be comfortable enough with even TRYING a long-distance flight again, but when I finally did, I felt brave and was looking forward to it. Now I can't go and I feel utterly bereft.

4. I booked non-refundable flights

5. I had an ultrasound today to see what was causing my chronic indigestion, and it turns out I have gallstones. And I need to get my gallbladder cut out of my body. With a scalpel. And rummaging in my insides. And general anaesthetic. 

There are no words to describe how much this freaks me out. Having lived in Britain for almost ten years now, I said 'oh, really? Well, thanks, thanks so much, yes, wonderful, great, okay then - thanks again' to be polite, and than ran outside and cried and had to sit down outside the hospital so I didn't faint. And then I started worrying poor expectant mothers would freak out at the sight of me thinking I had lost my baby or something, so I had to move myself along. 

6. I have cried every single day for the last 3 weeks. This may be down to coming off my pills, which may mean I need to be on them FOREVER and will become a female eunuch and lose my boyfriend and have to live somewhere as a panicked, atheist nun.

7. I'm scared my stones are going to explode.

8. I'm scared my boyfriend is going to run away with a beautiful, healthy Mexican lady who never panics and doesn't have gall-related-belching.

9. I'm scared and sad about being scared and sad and I'm driving myself and my poor boyfriend CRAZY. I'm trying to find it funny, but sometimes it's just not. Now I'm crying again. I'm like a strange, leaky, worried, burping, dizzy, bilious beast. 

Okay, some of those last ones weren't facts.*

Vx

* This is what CBT teaches you, to be able to distinguish between facts and thoughts. Pah. Go away sanctimonious CBT - I'm having a pity-party, and you're not invited.

'I really loved my gallbladder. It was my favourite innard'

An exciting journey through my medicine cabinet...

Me too!

I've got a very special treat for you guys today, so hold onto your pillboxes and lavender sachets...

 I thought I'd give you an quick run-down of the medication I take for anxiety - I'm really nosy and always want to know what other people take (and I assume you're like me), but also it's obviously also really crucial to get a sense of what works on the pharma front and what doesn't.

I think it's also important to be open and frank when discussing this kind of stuff - there should be no more stigma attached to the fact I take anti-depressants for this condition than if I was diabetic and had to have  regular insulin injections. Sadly, there is, but we can all do our bit by being OUT AND PROUD about pill popping for our condition, and not despising ourselves for having to do so.

1. Citalopram 20mg. An SSRI anti-depressant medication (Prozac is probably the most famous in this category). Mostly used for depression, but SSRIs are also very effective for anxiety and phobia related conditions.

Pros: For a lot of people these are the perfect solution - just that extra bit of serotonin is enough to tip them over into a calmer, happier place. But I've been on them for so long, I don't actually know if they work any more. I'm going to experiment with coming off them SLOWLY soon for the reasons below. Then we'll see if they were doing anything at all (eeek, the sword of anxious Damocles dangles above me )

Cons: There are tons, but all I've noticed in my case is their effect on...sexytime. People, they kill your libido. Like stone-cold DEAD. Mine is so decimated that RPatz could turn up at my house in a loincloth with a rose between his teeth, and there'd be nary a flicker in my loins. This is causing me no end of anxiety in itself, so I have to jump off the comfy serotonin cushion and see what happens. I'll obviously keep you updated on this experiment...

Amazingly, this is an actual ad from the 50s...

2. Pregabalin 100mg. A seizure and neuropathic pain medication that works on the brain's GABA receptors (weed works on the same brain bits apparently). They've only fairly recently worked out that this stuff is great for anxiety too, and it's now available on prescription for panic disorder and agoraphobia. Apparently doctors are reluctant to prescribe it because it costs a fortune, so you may have to visit a psychiatrist for a prescription first.

Pros: I found these amazingly effective and calming - much more so than SSRIs. I would highly, highly recommend these to anyone who is really suffering with generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder or agoraphobia.

Cons: Can make you feel a bit stoned and dizzy when you first go on them, but that quickly fades. Also, I put on a bit of weight on these, but as with all of this stuff, you have to weigh* it up . Would you rather be a skinny wreck sobbing into your soft toys and pleading with your  boyfriend to not leave the house, or the calm owner of a spare tyre? (You can tell which one I plumped* for...)

*They can also make you amazingly proficient at creating hilarious fat puns.

3. Lorazepam (Ativan) 1mg PRN . A Benzodiazepine tranquiliser. Valium (Diazepam) is the most famous in this category, but does absolutely nothing for me. These are absolute lifesavers, but are only to be taken sparingly. I take one as and when I need one, but try to keep them in reserve only for very bad panic attacks, as they have huge addictive potential. BUT this doesn't mean you can't take them almost every day for a couple of weeks in a massive crisis, so don't do what I did and freak out and sob and wail each time before you take one because you're afraid of turning into an addict and losing your job/home/family and ending up hooking for cash etc etc etc.

Pros: They are God's/Big Pharma's way of giving us respite when we're going through sheer hell, so don't be afraid to use these (or be intimidated away from them by incompetent doctors) on occasion. If you're worried, seek reassurance from a professional psychiatrist (not therapist or counsellor or doctor) who can explain the pros and cons more thoroughly to you.

Cons: They're very addictive, and are not a long-term, daily solution. But in the short term, they can give you the clarity and respite to seek a more sustainable long-term solution, and can help you to take big first steps (leaving the house, getting on a plane etc) toward recovery.

Hooray for tranquillisers - they bring us peace and enable us to hang out the washing without crying!